Harry Potty Humor
by HarryPotterGirly
Summary: Ron reveals a horrible secret *gasp*....HE'S A GIRL?!?!? And what was Harry REALLY doing with alone with Buckbeak? Be afriad. Be very afraid. But don't forget to review!!!
1. Two of Ron's Many Secrets are Revealed!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. J.K. (I'll put the 5th book out when I'm good and ready) Rowling does.  
  
Whenever I have these symbols * it means that there is an action being expressed Chapter One: Harry and Hermione have a Startling Secret  
  
One day at Hogwarts in spring, Harry, Ron and Hermione were very bored in the common room. They had started to discuss some very interesting things, such as Ron's favorite cheese flavor versus Harry's favorite cheese flavor. They got sick of that, so they started talking about family.  
  
Harry: Well, I think I have a cousin somewhere. But she has brown hair and her name is Hermione. I mean, like where are you going to find some weirdo like that?  
  
*Ron and Hermione blink*  
  
Hermione: Yeah, I have cousin, but he had black hair, bright green eyes and a little freaky scar on his head. Where are you going to find someone like that?  
  
Ron groaned.  
  
Ron: Shut the fuck up! I have something MUCH more interesting than "I have a little hottie cousin...blah blah blah"  
  
Harry: I never said she was hot.....but come to think of it.....she does sound pretty good....  
  
Ron: Well, I had a sex change!!!! MWHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
*Harry and Hermione blink*  
  
Hermione: Uh...Ron...I knew that.  
  
Ron: How?  
  
Hermione; Well, when we shared feminine beauty secrets last week, that was a red flag.  
  
Harry: Yeah, I knew too. You kept leaving bras in the boys dorm.  
  
Ron: (under his breath) Shit!  
  
Ron: Well....I got something else to say, too!  
  
Harry and Hermione: What?  
  
Ron: I'm pregnant! *starts sobbing*  
  
Harry suddenly looked very worried.  
  
Harry: Is it mine?  
  
Hermione suddenly screamed  
  
Hermione: TMI!!!! TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!!!! a  
  
Harry ran to cuddle Ron, who promptly shoved him off.  
  
Ron: Get off me! I may be a girl, I may be pregnant, but I will never, I repeat NEVER be gay!!!  
Okay. That's all 4 chapter one. Hope you found it funny. If you wanna rag me out, DON"T. I GET VERY MAD! 


	2. Hermione spews all over the castle and H...

Disclaimer ( I don't know if I need another one) -I don't own Harry Potter..blah blah blah.  
  
I am sorry that my last chapter was short, but this one will be longer. And, I figured out how Ron could be pregnant by himself, although that assessment was NOT necessary, Crazy Snow Kitten.  
  
And, in this chapter, instead of these to express action * , my whole phrase will be in bold, like this. Chapter Two: A Sneaking Suspicion  
  
Harry sat on the common room floor, doing yoga in the position of the downward dog. Hermione slammed open the door suddenly, to find Harry in a pink leotard in a very "awkward" position. Her head began to lurch forward as she covered her mouth and tried to run.  
  
Harry: No! Wait! Hermione: Keep Away, you FUNNY MONKEY!!!!!! Harry: No, it's not like it seems...PLEASE!!!  
  
And then, because it was all his fault, Hermione threw up all over his pinky suit of gayness. Harry started sobbing  
  
Harry: But..this is SILK!!!!! How could you? Hermione, you know this is my FAVORITE material!!!! And the color, too!!! With that, Harry turned on his heel and skipped/sobbed to his dormitory. Hermione wiped her mouth, and headed in her own direction. The library. When she arrived, she strode over to the restricted section to look up a "book". Cackling evilly, she went into the corner, where her Minion, Draco Malfoy was waiting.  
  
Draco: You know Hermione, people are going to find out your not REALLY reading in here soon. Hermione: Well, you are to blame too! Malfoy rolled his eyes. Draco: It is NOT my OPTION to be in here, mudblood. I should never have told you that I fantasized about Potter, with his muscular chest.. Hermione: SHUT UP!!!!! I AM NOT GAY LIKE YOU, MALFOY, AND I DO NOT WANT DESCRIPTIONS OF HOW YOU LIKE HIM!!!!! Draco: Mama told me I should never listen you! And with that, Draco sobbed/skipped back to the Slytherin common room.  
  
Hermione exited the restricted section and went to look at porn, which was conveniently located near Hogwarts, A History. However, she had barely opened a male Playboy when Ron appeared.  
  
Ron: Hi. How's things? Hermione: Ummm..I guess okay. (Hermione was VERY uncomfortable around her pregnant friend) Ron: My baby is coming in the first weeks of November! Tears start in Ron's eyes Hermione: Err.that's great. I guess. Hermione feels familiar swimming feeling in stomach Ron: Will you be his mother?  
  
Hermione: Ron. You are not pregnant. At least I don't think so. When did you get a sex change? Ron: When I joined PETA. Hermione: PETA is for he protection of animals. Not sex changes. Ron: I wanted to be different Starts sobbing I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses!!! Hermione: How old were you when you joined PETA? Ron: 3, 428 years Hermione: That's not possible. You aren't even 16 yet. Ron: But.*Ron breaks into song*  
  
I never thought I'd die alone.  
  
Hermione: SHUT UP!!!!!! Singing a Blink 182 song is not going to answer ANYTHING!!! Ron: I am gay, Hermione, and I don't care if you think so or not Hermione: Okay, you are MAJORLY jumping topics here. Ron: Guys are SoOoOoOoO sexy... Hermione's head started lurching again Ron: Ohhh, Yeah. The chips started blowing before Hermione could stop them. She splattered her dinner all over Ron's leopard leotard. Ron: ICKY!!!!..But, not as icky as Heterosexual relationships  
  
Hermione threw up again and again until she was sure there was nothing left in her system. But then Ron started again. How wrong she was. After throwing up EVERYWHERE in the castle (no offence, Lesley), Ron started to cry.  
  
Ron: Hermione..you ate my BABY!!!! Ron skipped/sobbed to the boys dormitory.  
Okay, that's all. I DO have an updated disclaimer, though.  
  
I do not own..  
  
PETA  
  
Blink 182 Funny Monkeys ( I have to give credit to Hannah H., Amber D., Grant G., Sam N., Ben G. and Chris H.) Male Playboy magazines (if they even exist) The Gay/Lesbian Rights song Yoga and its various positions 


	3. Harry becomes Bootylicious and The Boy W...

0 Okay. This chapter is REALLY weird, and also REALLY funny. But, I WILL NOT, I repeat, WILL NOT INCLUDE SLASH!!!!!!! This story is only PG-13, AND I DO NOT INTEND TO MAKE IT GREATER IN GRAPHICS!!!!!! This won't involve angst, either, although all angst stories are HILLARIOUSLY funny, when read in the right mood.  
  
Chapter 3: The Bootylicious Harry Potter  
  
One day, Harry decided that he didn't give a crap if he died. By this time, Ron was getting all of the attention because he was pregnant. Did anyone care about Harry? NO!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!!! So, Harry decided that he would go into the Forbidden Forest, blah blah blah. When Harry was in the Forbidden Forest, he put his bag of stuff down and began to sing.  
  
"Da da da da, da da da da da da da da da" He trilled, singing his own theme song.  
  
Suddenly, he noticed some movement in the underbrush.  
  
"Hey!" He called to the moving object, "I smell chicken when I'm asleep!"( That quote was courtesy of my little demonic sister, Erin, because she made me quote her) When nothing moved in the bushes, Harry continued singing Hedwig's Theme. But, about five minutes in, when you normally hear the annoying "swooshing" sound, he saw some more movement.  
  
"Hey!" He called again "It is illegal to stuff golfers down your pants for purposes of gambling! And the square root of infinity is Bootylicious!" Then, when nothing else moved, Harry started to sing the Bootylicious song, even though he didn't know all of the words. Or any of the words, for that matter.  
  
Hmmm hmmmmm hmmmm hmmm Bootylicious! He sang, shaking his booty.  
  
"EWWW!!" Said something from the underbrush, "I REALLY didn't need to see that," Harry, being mad, stupid and forgetful, said "Why, you don't like my BOO-TAY??"  
  
"NO NO NO NO!!!!!" Said the voice, "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly!!!!" Harry frowned, "Yeah, I bet I'm not as ugly as you!" Then, Buckbeak appeared from the underbrush. The hippogriff had a bandana on that said 'HOTTIE'.  
  
"Buckbeak," Harry said, startled when Buckbeak began to smoke, "I didn't know you could talk!" The hippogriff made an impatient 'neigh-ing' sound and scraped its feet on the ground.  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Said the hippogriff lazily, now with an obvious New York accent (A/N: Crazy Snow Kitten, remember? GO NEW YORKERS!!!!) "I bumped off that hobo guy, he was ugly," Harry stood aghast. "You KILLED my Godfather?" He asked, scarcely daring to breathe. Then, he noticed that Buckbeak was attractive. VERY attractive. Too attractive to be a hippogriff.  
  
"Are you part Veela?" Harry asked, looking at the animal. The hippogriff laughed at him, rolling around on the ground.  
  
"Harry-" Said the hippogriff through fits of laughter, "I'm a HIPPOGRIFF!! You are probably imagining everything about me because you are high!" "I'm high?" Asked Harry quizzically "Oh, so THAT'S why I have the funny cigarette in my hand, gotcha." Then, Harry and Buckbeak made out. Somewhere towards the end of this, Buckbeak took off his mask.  
  
"I'm really Adam Sandler!" Screamed "Buckbeak", "HAHAHA!!!!!!"  
  
TBC  
  
As always, I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does, and I don't own Adam Sandler, either, although I feel sorry for the person who does. And I don't own Bootylicious. But, I have to give credit for Harry's random phrases to the Under The Beltway (UTB) Improv Comedy Show. Are you laughing yet, Crazy Snow Kitten? 


End file.
